The sex ed I wish I got

"I just feel like it could've been better." If you ever want to make a girl feel shit about her first time having sex, those are the words you say to her. To really twist the knife in, say it to her right after she gets dressed and sits timidly on your family couch not knowing what to do with herself. In fact, don't even look at her while you say it either. I guarantee you it will make her want to go home, sew her flaps together and never look another boy in the eye again.

How do I know? Because those are the ever so comforting words I got from the boy I had sex with for the first time and that's exactly how I felt when he spoke them to me. It was truly romantic.

Not.

I'm sure every girl at one point in their lives had this idea of losing their virginity as some kind of super romantic and magical experience where your heart bursts into a sea of rose petals and doves will shoot out of your vagina. I know I did, and because of this assumption and the high hopes I had for my fanny's first dicking down, I was sadly disappointed. I'm telling you right now that it is far from that. At least for me it was. The only thing bursting was my hymen and it felt more like someone shot me in the vagina because first of all, that shit hurt. Now, I don't want to put any of you budding lovers out there off sex, so before I continue, let me just make it clear that this experience will be different for everyone! I know girls who could only manage a fraction of the dick because the pain and discomfort was too much for them (kia kaha to all the half-virgins out there, I'm praying for your walls) and I also know girls with vaginas built like bionic woman who felt no pain at all and oh, how I envy them.

Let me just start off by saying "Netflix n chill" is no myth and I found that out first hand (job) for myself. I also found out you don't actually need Netflix to "Netflix n chill" because "pirated movies on your PlayStation n chill" also has the same effect. Heck, you could even "feed the homeless n chill" and you may very well still end up with your legs being pinned up on either side of your head. Hormones simply have no chill.

I also want to clarify that this isn't going to be the fourth instalment of 50 Shades of Grey so take your hands out of your pants right now. Reading this will not make you feel like you're inside my vagina. It's not that kind of blog post and even if it was, it wouldn't be enough to turn you on. It didn't even turn me on while it was happening so that alone should speak volumes.

Okay, here we go. Mum and Dad, if you're reading this... please don't.

It was 2014, I was 17 and in my last year of high school. It was also a point in my life where I felt like everyone around me was having sex and by "everyone" I mean my friends and most of the girls in my year group at school. They were either making love to their longtime boyfriends for the first time or having drunken romps with their latest Tinder match in club bathrooms and here I was still dry humping plush toys at 2am when I was sure everyone was asleep. I was clearly coming down with a strong case of FOMO and it reached its peak when one day, after hearing my friend's fifth hoe story that week, I made a pact with myself that I would get a hoe story of my own and have sex with the next boy I develop some level of feelings for. And that's exactly what happened.

I met a boy, and after 3 weeks of text messages and FaceTime calls, I'm in his room with my pants off.

I remember everything about my first time from my heartbeats per minute to the curtains in his room which, by the way, were plastered with cartoon rocket ships and planets. I know right, how lucky I was to be in bed with an aspiring astronaut (jokes, he's just a design student with poor taste in drapery). Let's just call him... Space Boy. He was only months younger than me but with these curtains I felt like calling the cops on myself for participating in child abuse. Anyway, so there I was with a real life boy - and not a soft inanimate object - between my naked legs for the first time and to say I was nervous would be an understatement. Dude, I was freaking the fuck out. I had my phone at arm's length and my dad on speed dial in case things went South. However, the only thing going South at this point was Space Boy himself as him and his own rocket headed towards my black hole. A few awkward positions, a shit load of pain and zero orgasms later; I was finally sending my best friend the highly anticipated "I did it" text.

Okay time for some quick sex ed at Space Boy's expense!

The tearing of the hymen or popping of the cherry does not actually hurt. What makes sex painful is when your vagina muscles are too tense so bitch, relax. Foreplay helps! It didn't quite help in my case because one; when he fingered me he used his pinky. Yes, his pinky. I know my virgin vag was tighter than an anus but using a pinky? That was just insulting. Also, with his uncertain fingers I felt like I was being pried open for a pap smear by an assistant gynaecologist on their first day, which anyone with a vagina could imagine would be a far from relaxing experience. Wiping myself after a piss would've turned me on more. And two; when he went to perform oral, my body suddenly reminded me of the litre of water I had drunk beforehand and so all I could concentrate on was trying not to pee in his mouth. He could've been the Steph Curry of cunnilingus and found the cure to cancer with his tongue but I wouldn't know because all I could think about was my bursting bladder. So the best relaxation advice I could give you based off my own experience is to never drink water and just have sex at a day spa or don't have it at all.

"Don't freak out, but there's blood." When someone tells me not to freak out, I will freak out. And that's exactly what I did when Space Boy pointed to the red specks on his sheets. However, before I could die of embarrassment, he actually did a cool thing and said, "Don't worry, this sometimes happens on your first time. It's normal," and proceeded to strip the bed sheets and dump them in the wash. So round of applause for Space Boy because not only are his words very true (metaphorical cherry popping can and often does result in looking like an actual cherry was popped... between your legs), they were also reassuring as fuck for someone as fresh on the sex scene as me who thought I just had my period/was dying. So if you happen to bleed a little, just keep calm and change the sheets. If you bleed a lot then well, shit, something went wrong and you should definitely get it checked out ASAP.

To finish up this educational segment, I've saved the most important things for last; COMMUNICATION and CONTRACEPTION. I cannot stress enough the importance of being able to communicate with your partner during such an invasive act. Don't be afraid to let him know when you're uncomfortable or in too much pain or if he's got the wrong hole (trust me, it happens). When the pain got too much for me, I wanted to stop so badly - even Space Boy noticed my discomfort and offered to abort mission but at the time I thought, "I almost shaved my clit off trying to get my vagina dolphin smooth for this so you better drink some cement and harden up, Josie. Mama didn't raise no punk ass bitch," so instead of letting Houston know we had a problem, I just bit down hard on my lip and hoped it would be over soon. Yeah, so don't be a submissive mute like my 17 year old self. Sex is to enjoy not to endure! He later told me that he "felt like he was raping me" so please spare your partner the emotional stress (and yourself from physical stress) and just speak up when you're not feeling okay about something!

As for contraception, well, it's pretty simple. Use a condom. There are a number of different contraception methods to prevent an unintended pregnancy (Google is your best friend for this) and I'm no Family Planning consultant but I do know that apart from abstinence, condoms are the best way to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections as well. Keep in mind though that condoms aren't made of steel; they can break but they're better than nothing! However you decide to take the D, please make sure you look after your V.

Now, time for some real talk. Shit's about to get deep.

If you haven't noticed, I've refrained from using the term 'virginity' while describing my first time because I personally don't believe in it. I grew up being told by everyone from my pastor to my parents to my freakin' preschool teacher* that my virginity was the most sacred and valuable thing about me and I should treat it as such (*shout out to St. Mary's Public School in Sydney for scaring 4 year olds into abstinence before we even knew we had vaginas). So I went about life avoiding boys and dry humping shit on the low trying to protect this sacred thing of mine until I came across things like peer pressure, hormones and a perception of what romantic couples do. Then it was goodbye virginity/social conditioning and hello sex/making choices based on my own values and not of others!

When I think of virginity, I think back to the days of dowry where a woman's value was determined by her 'purity'. You know, the days when fathers saved their daughter's virginity so they could get 3 extra cows from a noble bloke in exchange for her hand in marriage. But wait, doesn't that same bloke have 30 illegitimate children to 30 other women? Oh shit, that's right, it doesn't matter because he's a man so his worth isn't based on his purity or child bearing abilities. You'd think we've come a long way since those days but in some parts of the world, women are still being killed over their virginity/lack of. You can see why virginity sounds more like a social construct put in place to shame and commodify women, huh? There is absolutely nothing wrong with placing a value on your sex life but it breaks my heart knowing women are being condemned for values other people place on theirs.

Nowadays, I feel like the whole concept of virginity just freaks a lot of people out because of the importance society places on it. Just the phrase 'losing your virginity' implies that you lose a part of yourself/something is taken away from you when you have sex. Now this 'loss' can't be referring to losing your hymen because this thin piece of skin can be broken during activities as strenuous as sport or as mundane as inserting a tampon. Also, virginity is such a heteronormative concept and therefore not a very inclusive one. We automatically think of 'sex' as just penis in vagina but homosexual people don't fuck like that and asexual people don't fuck at all sooo I guess virginity doesn't exist for them...? The idea of sex and virginity should really be up to each individual to define for themselves because at the moment it just invalidates different people's experiences.

Social construct or not, I don't think virginity is an entirely bad concept. There are tons of people across the human spectrum who really value their virginity and that is more than fine! Whether or not it's for religious purposes, virginity can really mean a lot to some people and it's wrong to take that away from them. All I'm saying is that we shouldn't be attaching this concept of 'pure' to people who haven't had sex and 'impure'/'dirty' to those who have. Essentially, whether or not you've had sex shouldn't define you as a person. So the idea of virginity doesn't need to go; the idea that your worth is determined by your virginity definitely does.

Upon reflection of my own life, what I really want to know is why was my spiritual guide, my own vessels of life and my early educators making me value my virginity above all else? Why weren't they telling me to value my brain or my heart instead? I guess knowledge and compassion aren't nearly as important as whether or not I've had a penis inside me.

Women are so much more than our sexuality and child bearing abilities and I think we should start placing more importance on everything else we have to offer that doesn't involve our vaginas.

xoxo, Girl With 3 Less Cows.

Ps. Being a good person trumps purity any day.