Shout out to my ex

My dad always wanted me to stay away from boys, I mean what father doesn't? Not because they could get me pregnant or break my heart but because he knew what infatuation does to a person. Especially when you're young and your hormones are at their peak. "Once you get a boyfriend, all you'll ever think about is him. You won't be able to concentrate on school or anything because you'll just be thinking of him." I rolled my eyes at this and thought, nah, that's not me. I've got my priorities straight. So naturally, like any naive adolescent, I ignored his warning and got my first boyfriend at 11 years old. (We get it, I'm a moepi.)

I got giddy at the word 'boyfriend' and I felt so cool having one. I think I liked saying I had a boyfriend more than I liked my actual boyfriend. He was pretty but always getting in trouble, he wouldn't sit near me in class but would play four square with Jessica and have water fights with Hinemoa - he had all the makings of a future fuckboy so you can understand why. At school we practically ignored each other so I was able to keep my head down and the only time he would ever have an effect on me is when I'd get nervous walking past him on my way to the bathroom. But after 3pm I would rush home and sometimes rush my homework just to jump on the home computer and mail him on (throwback) Bebo. And that's when my dad's words started to ring true.

Half-way through the year, I ended up breaking up with him (via Bebo mail) because end of year prizegiving was coming up and because I had my eyes set on Dux - I felt like I needed to let Fuckboy Junior go so I could focus on writing recounts and acing fractions. A very selfish move but one my dad would be proud of (if he had known) because I got Dux in the end *hair flick* (but then again it was only intermediate so... *pops head*) and it showed me that you really can do whatever you put your mind to when you drop the dead weight remove the distractions. (And that I should listen to my parents more but whatever that's not the point.)

I'm almost 20 now and I've just had my first serious relationship (well, as serious as you can get at 19). My recent ex may as well have been the same person/Fuckboy Senior because aspects of our relationship were rather similar. The only difference being we did more than just mail each other on Bebo if you know what I mean hehe (we also Facebooked, Facetimed and Snapchatted). For the sake of his privacy, let's just call him Voldemort for he shall not be named.

Our love story is simple. We were close friends for a good 2 years and somewhere along that friendship, I fell in love with him and had to watch him fawn over other girls while I waited for him to realise he was in love with me too. It took a few drunken hook ups with other people in town and blocking each other on social media a few times (you can't say you've been in love if you've never been blocked) for us to come to our senses and make it work. But we did. And it was cool.

Until I started zoning out in my lectures and crying over him liking photos of ridiculously attractive girls on Instagram.

I had fallen so hard for this noseless fuck that my entire mood for the day would be dependent on him. A good morning text with an adjective and 2 x's meant I was gonna be in high spirits and have a great day. Falling asleep on the phone the night before without saying goodnight and not apologizing for it first thing in the morning meant I was gonna hate every male in sight. I also became very possessive and insecure. On the nights he would go out, my ass was up refreshing snapchat every 5 minutes watching everyone's stories 10 times over just to see if he was in the background. If I saw a strand of hair in the corner of his snap that looked a centimetre longer than his own, I'd be sending "Who the fuck is that" messages incessantly until I had proof it didn't belong to another female.

I would get so upset when I saw him following random and extremely attractive girls on Instagram or liking their photos. Not because I felt threatened or as if he was being unfaithful but because I wasn't liking shirtless pics or following people of the opposite sex simply because they were attractive so why was he? I made a conscious effort to avoid doing so because I only had eyes for him and I wanted to reflect that in all my actions, but his Instagram activity didn't reciprocate that same effort and in turn I felt disrespected. I have a terrible habit of overthinking things so the more I thought about this, the more it took a toll on my self-worth. I'd subconsciously start comparing myself to every girl in the photos he liked and it was disheartening as fuck because they were mostly of white girls and if you hadn't noticed yet, I'm quite the dusky maiden and I ain't getting paler any time soon.

When it came to uni... my dad had never been more right. During lectures, I'd miss a few slides because my eyes would be glued to my phone anticipating a reply. In between classes I was either talking to him or about him - doing everything but prepare for my next class which is what I should have been doing. I'd lose a lot of sleep just to talk to him on the phone and I'd be too tired the next morning to make my 9am lectures so come end of year, I had a lot of catching up to do for exams.

Prior to us dating, I had moved away from home to live in a city and attend a university I've had my heart set on for years. I feel like you can't grow if you stay in your comfort zone and moving away was me finally getting out of mine, so despite it being a very selfish act - it was one I was most proud of. Moving away from home also meant moving away from Voldy so once I got into this relationship I started to feel bad for it because I had just sentenced us to long distance. He always said it was okay and it would be worth it but one day something snapped and he reckons, "You never wanted us. You moved away from me because you were selfish." Now I knew how he really felt and bitch, I was shook. A part of me felt if being selfish means depriving him of my pussy presence on the regular so I could get an education then hell yeah, I'm selfish. Dick can't get you a degree. The other part still couldn't help but feel guilty. I felt bad for putting myself before our relationship in that instance so to compensate I tried to put him before everything else. And that's where I fucked up.

You see, I wasn't always a psycho. Some of my sleepless nights were actually spent staying up with him while he pulled all nighters for uni. I'd put off doing my own assignments just so I could help him with his. When he went out, I'd stay up until I got a drunken call at 4am letting me know he got home safely. If he needed to talk about something, big or small, I'd drop whatever I was doing so I could give him my undivided attention - one time I left in the middle of a lecture just to call him when he was really distraught. If it was important to him, it was important to me. Emotional support is one of, if not, the most important thing in any relationship for me so doing all this just seemed standard. My parents didn't really know I had a boyfriend because apparently you're not allowed to have one of those when you're a young Samoan girl (completely different story if you're a boy though) so I'd pull excuses out of my ass and set up alibis just to see him. I also may or may not have taken a taxi in the middle of the night just to go cater to his uh, not so emotional needs. (We get it, I'm still a moepi.)

I constantly felt like I was going out of my way to please him and make sure he was always comfortable only to get half the effort in return. I'd actually have to ask him to put more effort in and it really doesn't feel good when you have to demand to be appreciated. He always argued that I just expected too much from him when all I ever asked for was the the bare minimum, I just wanted freakin' decency. Sometimes he really did make me feel like I expected too much when really I was just accepting too little. It was obvious we had differing ideas on how our relationship was and it started to feel incredibly one-sided. I mean, I was taking $90 taxis to see someone who couldn't even take a $50 flight to see me.

I could sit around and make excuses for him like he's busy but he's trying, or he's just too dumb to realise that the shit he does/doesn't do upsets me but I'd already been doing that the entire relationship and it just did not feel good anymore. I knew I had to end things because my independence had been grossly compromised. And it was entirely my fault. I invested so much into our relationship and continually felt like it wasn't being reciprocated because I no longer felt comfortable being alone and was in constant need of attention and effort. So in true Josie style, I wrote him a heartfelt 'I love you but we're just not on the same page anymore' message on Facebook and with a tentative thumb, I pressed send. I felt like I had broken my own heart with that one motion and I envy my 11 year old self for making it look so damn easy the first time.

And this is the part where the blog turns into a regurgitation of quotes because I couldn't have come to this conclusion without the help of some Indian gurus.

It's such a conflicting state of mind being single. You have this newfound feeling of freedom and independence. You no longer have to consider someone else's feelings when you do things they would otherwise object to (Voldy knows all about this one because he spared no time following back every girl on Instagram post breakup). You're a whole being on your own without the need to depend on anyone else for affirmation and in turn your self-love and self-worth grows and. It. Feels. Mean.

But then 2am comes. You lay in bed and realise your phone hasn't buzzed all day. No one has wished you a good night and no one gave a shit about how your day went. And you think about how much different it would be if you were still in a relationship and next thing you know you have something stuck in your eye. The 2ams don't always come at 2 in the morning either. They sometimes happen at 2 in the afternoon on your lunch break, or when you're sitting in traffic on your way home from work, or when you've got your playlist on shuffle and that Bryson Tiller track comes on. However they come, embrace your 2ams because pain demands to be felt.

Deepak Chopra was on some real shit when he said, "To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions."

Here in my solitude, I hear my truths loud and clear.

1. Love is my dad wanting to fly with me back to Auckland just to see me off for uni and make sure I settle back in okay, love is when my mum makes mashed potatoes when I've had a bad day because she knows it's my favourite food, and love is when my sister puts $30 in my account when I ask for 10 just cos. Love isn't just getting a good morning text everyday or unfollowing girls on Instagram for my sake and love doesn't just come in the form of a 19 year old boy who makes you laugh as hard as he makes you cum.

2. His actions are not and never were a reflection of my self-worth because I determine my self-worth. I know I'm amazing and I deserve the world, I just have to get in the habit of reminding myself a lot because he never did. If you're constantly trying to prove your value to someone, you've already forgotten your worth.

3. God forbid I let a boy make me feel guilty for prioritising goals I had long before him. Never will I compromise my standards just to make a man comfortable. And never will I ever forget the magic of my melanin over one either.

4. I really need to fucking delete Instagram.

It's been a couple weeks now and I still find myself listening to Leona Lewis one hit wonders and cutting onions at 2am, I still feel a tinge of annoyance when I see him follow a new girl on Instagram and I still zoom in on his hands in photos because I miss having them around my neck holding them during prayer circles. But I welcome these feelings because they remind me that I'm still not quite comfortable being alone. And until I am, I won't be holding anyone's anything any time soon.

There's no shame in loving yourself by becoming the person you have the potential to be as you wait for someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved. There's no shame in being selfish either. The most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself so cater to it before you even think of catering to anyone else.

Despite everything, Voldy is and always will be so special to me and I'll choke up just trying to find the right words to describe how much this son of a bitch actually means to me. Do I still love him? Of course. I'll always love him. But right now I just need to love myself more.

No hard feelings towards my ex and shit but... later bo.

xoxo,
Gone Girl