Monday, 2 May 2016


"Have you ever been... horny?" I was 14 when my best friend at the time asked me this question. She was so embarrassed to be asking me this that she couldn't even say the words out loud. This bitch literally typed it out in a Word document with a size 3 font and the computer screen brightness turned all the way down, then backspaced it with the speed of light as soon as I had read it.

Before this, I had never talked to anyone about anything sexual so I wasn't sure whether I should be honest and just start fingering myself like the sexual deviant I was (/am), or lie and act like I didn't even have a vagina. But when I saw that her face was scrunched up with uncertainty and disgust, I knew I had to choose the latter.

Yes, Father forgive me for I have sinned but I was 14 and cared a lot about what people thought of me, and instead of admitting I get aroused by the mere shadow of a boy, I just stared back at her in horror like she had just sucked off the devil himself and replied with two little words that could have won me an Oscar; "Ew no!" As soon as she heard this, her face relaxed and she sank back in her chair with relief and said, "Thank God, neither have I. It's just so... weird. Only boys get horny."

Only boys get horny, huh? Well shit, pass me a penis and call me Joseph.

By now I was sweating like a rapist in church because I had just dry humped the shit out of this teddy bear my aunt gave me for Christmas the night before after watching Miley kiss Jake Ryan for the first time (@aunt if you're reading this I'm sorry/thank you) but there was no way I could admit this to her now. She couldn't even say the word 'horny', she'd probably burn me at the stake if she knew I was experiencing this feeling almost daily, let alone getting myself off watching Hannah Montana.

Fast forward 3 years and I'm on the phone with a boy I've convinced myself I actually like and he asks me, "Do you... masturbate?" Now, my 17 year old self didn't give a fuck about looking stupid but she also felt the need to impress anything with a penis and that was entirely because she just wanted one in her, so when he asked me this I wasn't afraid to admit it. Also, I had watched enough porn by then to know that boys actually liked this shit and this boy was no different. His initial reaction, however, was shock; "Whoa, I've never actually heard a girl admit it. Like, girls never talk about it." Andeventhoughhe'sacuntnowandIdon'tfuckwithhim - he was right.

Girls never talk about it. So brace yourselves bitches, because I'm about to.

If you haven't guessed by now, this post is all about female masturbation. I've shared the anecdotes above to illustrate just how stigmatized this topic is to the point where people can't even utter the words or fathom the idea of females as sexual beings. Wanking can easily be joked about and discussed casually among dudes so why do girls feel like they have to deny their sexuality by being so hush-hush about catering to it? I'm not saying you have to go out and get 'YES I MASTURBATE' tattooed on your forehead (unless you want to then do you boo!) - if you're already happy with the way you're doing life then don't change a thing!

This one is for the girls (with the boomin' system) who feel trapped by this stupid social conditioning and just want to be able to ask their girl friends for help on finding their freakin' G-Spots. I'm telling you ladies, it's okay to rub one out and it's okay to talk about it. If it weren't for me feelin' myself (literally), I wouldn't have found mine and I would never have known an orgasm. Seriously, I've become so familiar with all the nooks and crannies of my fanny from chronic masturbation that I know exactly what feels good to me and this is so important for anyone who will ever have sex or be sexually active. How do you expect your partner to make you feel good if you don't even know what feels good for you? It's not a compulsory act for great sex but it can definitely help if you're having trouble turning the tap on down there. (Thanks to chronic masturbation, I even know which vegetables make the best dildo but that's a whole other blog post...)

I'm blessed enough to have women in my life who understand and accept my sex drive as well as their own so I get to have super interesting and fun conversations about this kind of shit all the time with them (shout out to Tiana Mill #chronic). If you don't have anyone like this in your life to do that with then flick me an email about flicking the bean and I'll be your Tiana Mill. I just don't want anyone to feel like my 14 year old self and be embarrassed about the perfectly human emotions they encounter. We can't help the way our bodies work and we shouldn't have to be apologetic for it. Masturbation is simply an act of self love and you should never be ashamed of loving your damn self.

To the girls who judge their fellow women for loving themselves this way, please just let us orgasm in peace. And to the girls who deny touching themselves just to spare this judgement and conform to the misogyny, girl bye. We know damn well you have a clit too.

I also read somewhere that masturbation helps relieve menstrual cramps so instead of plotting to remove your uterus completely, just shove a tampon up there and go hump something girl!

Happy relieving of menstrual cramps, ladies! Go forth and orgasm!
xoxo, Carrot Girl.

1 comment:

  1. After reading the first paragraph - I was hooked. *subscribe, or whatever the term is*

    I only started masturbating at 19 or 20, when an ex-boyfriend showed me what to do. One (out of many) thing about him I will always be grateful for.